Also: why successful people struggle to find happy and healthy relationships
Working as an independent executive coach for over a decade now, over the past years much has changed in how I behave, think, and feel. Although the focus is always on the process of coaching others, taking these daily deep dives into the psychology and backpacks of human beings, inevitably impacts my own journey of finding and accepting my own true self. It is simply impossible to reflect on all aspects of life with others, without seriously questioning your own choices from time to time. In what follows, I am going to share with you my three major learnings as a woman and female entrepreneur:
One, how there is an outspoken difference between masculine and feminine energy in business as well as in private life.
Two, how I found my own femininity as a woman and an independent, at the time single, high-level professional.
And three, how making a conscious good use of the polarity between both, leads to higher impact, better results, and better relationships, no matter your gender or sexual preference.
Masculine versus feminine energy (not gender)
Where I used to be like just give me some high performing male clients, no fuss, just straight forward working, managing stakeholders, enrolling for that MBA, maximizing impact, and grabbing that promotion, today, as a female coach, I feel more and more connected to all that is femininity on and off the working floor. That doesn’t mean I’ve switched over to solely focusing on female leadership for the female gender. There is work to do in developing female leadership for male genders as well. Let me explain.
We all have masculine as well as feminine qualities and energy within us. It’s the yin and yang. Look at the people around you and look within yourself. As a male (gender) you can have a dominant male or female energy. Same for female genders or people that identify as neutral. That also means you have a decent amount of the opposite energy within you, be it less but not nonexistent. Depending on the context, we can tap from the right energy to succeed. Whilst using the word ‘succeed’, you need to understand that, from a biological perspective, succeed means ‘survive’. The masculine part within us is the doing part. Action. Decision. Responsibility. Moving forward. Building and defending the fortress. The feminine part on the other hand is much more about being instead of doing. It is the feeling part. Warm. Soft. Tender. Connected. Emotional. Making sure the fortress is cozy and a place one loves to be.
It is no secret that, not so long ago, based on gender, little boys were mostly raised to maximize their masculine energy, whilst little girls were much less evaluated by those same principles. Suppose they both fell and hurt their knee. A girl would be supported and comforted, whilst the boy with the same experience and painful knee would be told it was no big deal and certainly not worth a cry. The little mermaid versus superman. No surprise that women raised like that are at a later age much more at ease with tapping into and sharing their emotions than the man that was always told to not make a fuss about it.
You could say this perfectly explains why, despite all efforts, the female gender is still making up the smaller part of top-level corporate life. The females that have succeeded and reached the top, did so not because of their femininity, but because of their predominantly masculine behavior. Powerhouses. Superwomen. From lowering the voice to speaking slower to wearing the same boring suit their counterparts do. To make a career, you simply need to perform well. Demonstrate behavior that is action oriented. Take the lead. Have clear decision-making skills. And finally, not be too emotional.
From being called a b*tch to finding my own softness and femininity
I guess I might have been one of those females succeeding through demonstrating or matching the masculine behavior myself, if not in clothing or presence, then in energy, action, hard work, communication style and forwardness. I’ll never forget the 360 degrees feedback later on in my career where I was called, black on white, a b*tch. An einzelgänger. A know it all. I blocked the rest from my memory. I was really flabbergasted and did lose my sleep over it that night. Me? The sweet me? How could they not see me for the nice, warm, empathetic, sensitive person that I am?
It is then I learned about the Queen Bee principle. Although born a female, in order to survive, I took the lead. Not only in my career, but much earlier, in my life. I’m not going to blame my parents; they did all they could to get me where I am today. I know they are nothing but proud and I am grateful for the life they gave me. Nevertheless, I was raised with quite some pressure to perform well. Music. Sports. School. Why be second if you can be first?
If you ask some successful females for the peer support they got from their congeners, it might surprise you that it will be close to none. In my experience, females tend to get much more career support from a male counterpart or sponsor than from their female peers. That’s not so strange if you start to understand how that one female is under some sort of constant pressure to perform or be ‘the best’. This survival strategy, being masculinity, leaves not much room for the soft and feminine creature that, in essence, they are.
It is a fact that most successful females learned it the hard way. Behaving masculine to create progress and safety. Urging for forward movement instead of being still to survive. Not being able to really count on others, while under an ongoing pressure to perform, stimulates male behavior even within a woman with a predominantly female energy. Recently during a meet and greet, the female leader in front of me said at one point during our talk: “It is me. It is always me.” So much is embedded into this short saying. When you had only yourself to lean on to get there, being just a mermaid without feet is not going to get you far on land, right?
Back to my (coaching) business. When I lead, I lead with action. I tap into my male energy to create leverage, take actions, generate impact, shortly, to build a financially stable and successful business. That’s okay. That is how it is supposed to be. Same counts for any gender with a mostly feminine energy. If you want the fortress, you need to build it. The thing is, when I got home, being a single mom, I continued to tap out of the same keg. The benefit? There is nothing I can’t do myself. From plumbing to repairing rolling shutters. The disadvantage? It was also always me. You could say I behaved like superman (okay, superwoman), but I did not dream of my partner behaving like a mermaid. The supermen that came along were looking for that Ariel on the other hand just to find another high achiever that seemed to not need anyone at all.
Polarity leads to higher impact, better results, and better relationships
One of my favorite relationship analogies is ‘the rowing boat’ by Rori Raye. In my imagination, it’s just like one of those cute little rowing boats in Central Park. Or the ones you see in the movies. There is room for two people in the boat and there is only one set of oars. Independent of gender, only one can row the boat (the masculine energy) whilst the other is enjoying the go, smiling, waving a little beach umbrella and being genuinely present in the moment and the connection (the female energy).
Now take a minute for yourself. Think about your personal relationship as well as your most important relationships at work. What is your preferred position? To answer that question, we need to know whether your energy is predominantly male or female. What matches your energy, not your current behavior? Your basic energy, unspoiled by any proverbial backpack or other survival strategy. Are you the one always rowing the boat or the one waving the umbrella? Take an honest look at where you are sitting today. And if single or working on your own, where would you love to sit? For the male readers with a dominant male energy, could it be your woman is rowing while you are obliged to take a seat and lean back? For the female readers with a dominant female energy, are you always the one rowing hard whilst building up frustration because of your counterpart not picking up the oars?
What has come to my understanding over these past years is that polarity is key for any relationship to work. Those can be intimate, friendship or business relations. If there is no polarity, both can adapt but simply not be happy in that little boat. Just as we can’t have two captains on a ship, and nothing happens when no one rows the boat. A person with a dominant male energy does not want to wave the little umbrella, and a person with a dominant female energy would love to just sit there and have someone rowing the boat for them. The latter being a bit difficult if it has always been ‘just you’. Right?
But now. Let’s switch back to work and life. Let’s say you, as a leader, want your team to take more ownership. Or you, in your female energy, want your intimate partner to take more initiative and responsibility. Taking ownership, initiative and responsibility being male energy actions. You do not get there by rowing the boat yourself. You can’t delegate and stay in control at the same time. You simply do not get your superman or Ariel if you are not willing to take the opposite stand. That brings us to my third and most important learning: we are in desperate need of more female leadership as we are all talking about stimulating ownership and entrepreneurship, be it in our (current or future) partner at home or somewhere within the relationship web at work.
Think about it. In the past a female would drop her handkerchief and when a man came into action and brought it back to her, she would pretend not even being aware of losing it. “Oh, did I really? Thank you so much for your effort and action.” She would let him build the fortress and praise him for his action, she would encourage and support him. She would stimulate him to get into even more action and in return he would experience the warmth and closeness (female energy) he also longs for. I guess, and I am writing this with a wink, we do not need to argue about who is really in the lead here, do we?
To summarize, there are three things to remember:
One, there is a difference between male and female energy and that has nothing to do with gender.
Two, to maximize the potential of any corporate or other constellation, whether it be work or life, we do need more female leadership. Men as well as women demonstrating the act of empowering, motivating, encouraging action in others. The subtle art of delegation. Dropping that handkerchief. Making use of polarity.
And three, also in our intimate relationships, it is time to take our role. For the female energy people that have been behaving too masculine, just lean back. Be more of a mermaid. Trust that your other half will take up the oars. Trust that your prince (or princess) will carry you. Be patient. It might change a lot quicker than you expect.
For the males that kind of gave up because their “female” partner knows better anyway. Reclaim your oars. Be superman and your will find your Ariel.
I know my superman did ;)
Note: this blog has been written based on 10+ years of coaching, reading, listening to podcasts and others. In no way it is my intention to steal content or pretend the content is mine. I have been inspired by many people, as there is Tony Robbins, David Deida (The way of the superior man), Rori Raye and others. Please also be aware that I am not talking about gender but energy. I do believe in equality and balance. Therefore it is not my intention to punch anyone in the chest. Feel free to comment!
Sofie
About the author – As an executive coach, Sofie has been empowering ambitious people, executives, and leaders through one-on-one coaching sessions around the globe. Her approach is focused on augmenting performance, as well as overall leadership results. What Sofie’s clients all have in common is that they are looking for a high level personal coach with an objective and international perspective. She loves to cut corners and will no doubt push you to think (even) faster and bigger. Therefore she might surprise you with her heart-centeredness and 6th sense. Bringing over 20 years of corporate experience into her coaching, her focus has always been on human behavior in relation to business results, enhancing both male and female leadership in often male and technical environments. Recently she moved more and more into the direction of relationship coaching, although personal questions and a systemic perspective have always been a part of her trajectories #questforhappiness
SOFIE VARREWAERE 